A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who in the world sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My sister's boyfriend." he answered.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcements about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

• A garden hose nozzle at the local hardware had one disclaimer: "Do not spray into electrical outlet."

• Birth control package: "Do not use if you plan on becoming pregnant".
• On a children's cough medicine prescribed for a 5 year old: "Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.
• On a hair dryer: "Do not use in the shower with water running."
• On an emergency contraceptive kit (morning after pill): "Do not take it if you are pregnant"
• Sleeping pills with a warning that they "may cause drowsiness".
• Straight razor blades which have a prominent marking saying "Warning: this package contains sharp objects."

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confessional one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin', " the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark .
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playing when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, boys will be boys."

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.

Everyone goes to your birthday party and stands around the cake just to get warm"

Q & A's
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. What separates "60 minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers & laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more long distance phone calls on this day than any other day of the year. What day is it?
A. Mother's Day
Q. There are more collect phone calls on this day than any other day of the year. What day is it?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Aquadextrous (ak wa dek-strus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Elbonics (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay'shun)n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company: You can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom.

• More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.
• Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.
• Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)
• More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.

Have you a teenager who you will be teaching to drive? Then don't read this! While her mother went in to pay a water bill, 15-year-old Alexandria Moore of Lithonia, Georgia decided to move the car.
She "moved" it up onto the curb sideswiping another vehicle and slamming into a Lexus which then slammed into another car.
Apparently wanting to "rewind" her experience she put the car in into reverse scraping a concrete pole and backing into an SUV which then hit another car. Two of the seven cars needed to be towed away.
She was charged with reckless driving.

• SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
• COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN - SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
• DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
• I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
• WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
• OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY - I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
• DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
• ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
• I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
• HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
• DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
• IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, and the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him. Tell them my son, how you managed to be the only one in that line?"
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

A father took his two-year old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so her daddy let her ride on his shoulders.
As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

You only need two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

A patrol car had been following a vehicle for about 30 minutes when the officers decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window. "Good afternoon, sir."
"Good afternoon, any problems?"
"No, sir. My partner and I have been following and observed you for 1/2 hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, and you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as part of our new "solid driving awareness program," I would like to present this check to you for $1,000."
The driver let out a big sigh of relief, "Oh, good! Now I can finally get my driver's license."
Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes, "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."
Then Grandma, who's a little hard of hearing, adds from the back seat, "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"
At this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out, "Are we over the border, yet?"

What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the 1st day of school.
"He's a magician," said," the boy.
"How exciting. What his best trick?"
He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep... one half brother and two half sisters."